A woman begins to think her minor threat, Kooji beer, is pirated.


RESTON, Va. – Longtime punk and die-hard Discord Records fan Meredith Jozak, after reflecting on the band's famous anti-alcohol lyrics, decided to take a closer look at her beloved Minor Threat merch, the Beer Koozie. Friends reported that they were concerned and questioned the legitimacy of the move.

“As I was sipping this red Minor Threat Koozie DC Brau Pils, I felt like something wasn't adding up here,” said Jozak, who bought the koozie on the street a block away from Koliky's show. Ta. “I started thinking about a song called “Bottled Violence,'' and realized that the lyrics weren't as glorifying being hurt as I once thought. That's why this koozie seems pretty silly. If someone asks about it, I'm going to laugh it off and say it's a joke.”

Merchandise bootlegger Kevin Rance says Minor Threat merchandise makes up many of his best-selling items.

“All I do is throw one of their logos in the garbage I order from China, but these people are into it. Bottle openers, lighters, condoms, people can't get enough. I don't have any, so I clean,'' Lance said in downtown Washington, D.C., as he laid out his latest items on a sheet. “She also bought the Teen Idols rolling papers. Come on, how fat can you get? They also cost about $25 each, which is many times more expensive than the tickets.” Ian hates me, and honestly? I don't blame him. I hate myself, not for bootlegging, but for many other reasons.

Former Minor Threat and current Corikie frontman Ian McKay expressed his thoughts on the continued efforts of bootleggers.

“At this point, I can't give a damn about the drinkers and bootleggers that come to my shows,” declared a disinterested McKay. “Do you want to get addicted to alcohol and low-quality band gear? Go ahead, it's fine. I don't have skin on my back. I don't think about these people at all, and if I did I wouldn't feel bad for them.” It just gives them a good feeling. People are probably going to get lead poisoning from the ink in that koozie. They deserve it.”

Anonymous sources confirmed that Jozak continued to fight fraudulent merchandise transactions even after purchasing Earth Crisis-branded mail-order steaks.





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